Dunia: What Will Be, Will Be

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After few days of moping about and getting sad at every reminder that the children had left, I came to the decision of ‘that is enough’, time to explore new avenues and regain my focus. I like to think that there is a time for everything; summer for me is discovering the emotional and maternal side of my character, whereas autumn on the other hand is exploring the strength within me and searching for a fresh start.

I began by making a list of things I must do; I love creating lists it gives me a feeling of importance or rather that I have busy day ahead, which is always a positive thing. I needed to do some PhD research, read some plays that are also related to my studies, write few articles but all of these things were not enough, I wanted more, not out of greed I promise you Dunia, but more eagerness to learn new things and meet different people.

Seeking knowledge and different experiences can never be a bad thing, but like everything in life if you get too focused on one task then you risk becoming obsessed, which can lead to disappointment. For years that was my problem, after the completion of my Masters degree I had this notion that turned into a life mission to find a job, work the usual office hours and be like everyone else. This is where the mistake lies, the urge to be ‘like everyone’ and lead a conventional life, maybe it is my middle eastern background, where life is systematic and has to follow the pattern of the majority which goes like, university, job, marriage and children and all at a certain age. Back then I was quite naïve and being a ‘people pleaser’ I wanted to make my family proud and at the same time, I wanted to be like the rest of the world.

I realise now that the worst thing you could do is follow the path of others or conform to the majority, because we are all born as individuals with our own unique trait and ability. Don’t think I am smart Dunia, it took me nearly 6 years to finally grasp that I should invent my own path and not be obsessed with job application. I had applied to more than 350 jobs at least and attended hundreds of interviews, which always brought my hopes up and led me to believe a job is within my grasp, only to receive a rejection email few days later. Often it made me feel low, I mean who likes rejection? Especially when you suspect the reason is your physical ability but can’t prove it.

Anyhow enough of the past and back to the present, I decided to get active, anything I see being advertised I instantly apply to, whether it is voluntary, part-time, paid, unpaid, freelance everything was my target. I have had people say to me ‘how can you work for free’ or ‘someone with a CV like yours why would you want such a position’, I usually reply with the same answer ‘my ambition is different from your average person, I don’t seek high executive position or big salary, I just want to learn a wide diversity of topics and leave this world having spread knowledge and awareness of various issues’. Do I sound cheesy or lame?

Oh no, I have a lot more to tell you but my laptop is flashing to alert me that battery charge is lower than 2%, and I can’t call mama all the way from her room just to switch it on electricity, so I better ‘save’ and ‘shut down’.

Nighty! Oh wait, guess what? It is my birthday in 3 days wohooo…

Further

The more I try to get there

The further it seems to go away

The further it seems out of reach

At times it feels like it will never be

These dreams seem so close yet so far

No matter how much I walk further

I just don’t seem to reach

I keep thinking of changing direction

Changing my destination

But my heart won’t seem to understand

It won’t let me turn away

So I keep walking

And I keep hoping

Yet the more I try to get there

The further it seems to go away

 

Dunia 6: Goodbye Summer, Hello Autumn

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I am so sorry Dunia, it has been a while I know and I have no real excuse except one valid reason; my health has not been great but let us not dwell on that and let me update you on everything.

September is always a positively weird month, a big part of me loves it as it is the start of autumn; my favourite season and best time of the year (nothing to do with the fact that I am autumn born), it is the time when new things start, children and students begin new academic year, natural surroundings start their new cycle of change and there is a smell of fresh beginnings in the air. When September spells the end of summer, it means the departure of my niece and nephew back to their home in Dubai, UAE. Every year the same anguish of saying goodbye but this year it was particularly hard, not sure of the reason but I guess having them around for a whole two months, spending all my time playing, talking, going out and doing various activities throughout the day with them was not just a fun filled period for me, but it also provided a sense of purpose for my day. I had the responsibility of two young children, who needed entertaining and nurturing, while it was a big challenge but it was also an opportunity to escape my usual world and discover that I have a lot to give.

No, no, no Dunia this is not my maternal side because to be honest I have never had that urge to be a mother or get excited when I see babies, does that make me cold? I don’t think I am, it is just a feeling I was never born with and contrary to the popular belief, not every woman has to be a mother. I am digressing and this is a big topic that I will talk to you about in another post, for now back to my niece and nephew.

For almost 9 weeks, my whole day revolved around these two little souls, I would be woken up by them and would both get in bed with me, then they would listen to stories that I invent for them and after a while we start playing and singing. Breakfast was always a time for us to sit together which often resulted in a fight over who should sit next to me, and that was the theme of the day; them arguing over who loves me more and who should play with me. I loved sitting with them, teaching them everything that I know, trying to instill principals and moral values inside them, and talking to them like friends. I have never felt so wanted and loved as I do with these two beautiful angels, I entered a world of purity and unconditional affection and so I left or distanced myself from my usual surroundings.

I also got to learn a lot from these two little munchkins, I now know what and how to take a ‘selfie’ thanks to my smart niece, discovered who are ‘One Direction’ (not a great thing as I had to endure their music on repeat throughout the day), I got to know who are skylanders (Xbox figures), and the great book series of Dork diaries. I feel so blessed to have them in my life yet so sad at their departure, we clung to each other in tears and were given a ‘pinky promise’ that they will never forget their best friend and aunt and will skype me regularly.

My 4-year-old nephew also assured me that he will come every weekend, return for my birthday and will keep coming until I grow up and start walking then I will have to go and visit him. Hahaha this is what I will miss most, the innocence that visits me during summer.  Nighty my Dunia, I am getting a bit teary.