After few days of moping about and getting sad at every reminder that the children had left, I came to the decision of ‘that is enough’, time to explore new avenues and regain my focus. I like to think that there is a time for everything; summer for me is discovering the emotional and maternal side of my character, whereas autumn on the other hand is exploring the strength within me and searching for a fresh start.
I began by making a list of things I must do; I love creating lists it gives me a feeling of importance or rather that I have busy day ahead, which is always a positive thing. I needed to do some PhD research, read some plays that are also related to my studies, write few articles but all of these things were not enough, I wanted more, not out of greed I promise you Dunia, but more eagerness to learn new things and meet different people.
Seeking knowledge and different experiences can never be a bad thing, but like everything in life if you get too focused on one task then you risk becoming obsessed, which can lead to disappointment. For years that was my problem, after the completion of my Masters degree I had this notion that turned into a life mission to find a job, work the usual office hours and be like everyone else. This is where the mistake lies, the urge to be ‘like everyone’ and lead a conventional life, maybe it is my middle eastern background, where life is systematic and has to follow the pattern of the majority which goes like, university, job, marriage and children and all at a certain age. Back then I was quite naïve and being a ‘people pleaser’ I wanted to make my family proud and at the same time, I wanted to be like the rest of the world.
I realise now that the worst thing you could do is follow the path of others or conform to the majority, because we are all born as individuals with our own unique trait and ability. Don’t think I am smart Dunia, it took me nearly 6 years to finally grasp that I should invent my own path and not be obsessed with job application. I had applied to more than 350 jobs at least and attended hundreds of interviews, which always brought my hopes up and led me to believe a job is within my grasp, only to receive a rejection email few days later. Often it made me feel low, I mean who likes rejection? Especially when you suspect the reason is your physical ability but can’t prove it.
Anyhow enough of the past and back to the present, I decided to get active, anything I see being advertised I instantly apply to, whether it is voluntary, part-time, paid, unpaid, freelance everything was my target. I have had people say to me ‘how can you work for free’ or ‘someone with a CV like yours why would you want such a position’, I usually reply with the same answer ‘my ambition is different from your average person, I don’t seek high executive position or big salary, I just want to learn a wide diversity of topics and leave this world having spread knowledge and awareness of various issues’. Do I sound cheesy or lame?
Oh no, I have a lot more to tell you but my laptop is flashing to alert me that battery charge is lower than 2%, and I can’t call mama all the way from her room just to switch it on electricity, so I better ‘save’ and ‘shut down’.
Nighty! Oh wait, guess what? It is my birthday in 3 days wohooo…