When will January end? That is the question I keep asking myself. It is not right, I know, but having 3 types of infections and being on 2 kind of antibiotics plus painkillers is taking its toll on me, plus I am not sleeping well, I don’t know why all the pain increases at night. Alright, alright, I will stop moaning but it will be hard, you have no idea how painful it is to type right now because my elbow is infected and very sore and just touching it is an agony, so imagine Dunia what it must feel like pressing on it, you can’t imagine I know, it’s like me trying to imagine what it is like to have blisters on your feet yet you walk on them. I will have no clue whatsoever, so don’t worry I understand.
I know the best way to get my elbow to heal is by resting it, and that means laying on my back but that is so dull and limiting, I won’t be able to do anything except stare into the ceiling, I am not an idle person, I like to be constantly busy with endless list of things to do, it makes me feel needed and basically alive. My physiotherapist is always telling me to stretch throughout the day, to lay down flat and constantly keep moving to preserve the little strength and muscles that I still have, but it is so easy for her to say just like doctors who tell me ‘not to use my elbow’; they have no idea the practical impact of their suggestions, their concern is in the actual result, only forgetting that I am a human not just a disabled person. I understand of course that I have to help myself, but what is the point of living a miserable life just to ensure it is longer? I want to enjoy and make the most of each minute I am on this planet and not waste it fighting the inevitable. Therefore I have decided that while I will make the effort to maintain what I have I will not let it dictate my daily life, I have always believed in balanced acts and moderate reaction, not that I have constantly practiced this, you see Dunia I can be slightly be ’melodramatic’, and at times exert so much time, energy and effort into something then suddenly realise that I gave too much for a lost cause. I am not being clear I know and therefore you are probably lost but I guess what I am trying to say is that we have become a society of extremes in everything we do and feel; even in love or mourning and I am guilty of that too, so I must focus and not let my pain drive me into an extreme of sadness or urge to rectify the path of life that has been destined for me.
I have been in a self-reflective mood this month, not quite sure of the reason but January is such a tedious month that it forces you to think about every aspect of your life, plus writing that article I told you about – for the Disability Horizon magazine about new year’s resolution from a disabled perspective made me examine what I did last year and what I want for myself this year. I will share with you next time what I wrote but for now what I really want and need to do is rest my very sore elbow.