It has been a while since I last sought you and I don’t even have a valid excuse. When I first ‘created’ you, it was to help me off load all my feelings and thoughts, you were my escapism from this world but now I am finding myself lost between two worlds; reality and my Dunia world.
I don’t know what is wrong with me Dunia, actually not even sure if there is anything wrong. I think I just want or need a new thing or a challenge or maybe if I am honest and I know that here is the only place I can be completely honest, I realise that I simply miss Him. It has been 63 days since he vanished without even a message to say goodbye, and 40 days since I made the decision of giving up on him I suppose, no… no…no I don’t like the words; giving up is something I have always hated and tried to avoid. For me it is a sign of failure and a reinforcement of people’s assumption that the average disabled is incapable of completing a task. Taking time out is probably a better sentence I need to give myself space, rediscover the inner me and challenge my thoughts and emotion into learning to rely on no one but my own self.
Yet I have to admit Dunia, I can’t help but over analyse his disappearance. There must be a reason behind it, and call me paranoid if you like, but if you are a person living with disability and you get rejected by a person or a job or anything else for that matter, then your disability is the first thing that comes into your head. I begin to wonder if I had the physical strength would I still be rejected? Is it the exterior or the inner me that is the problem? Honestly, I don’t know which would hurt more, knowing that you are rejected because of your physical ability – something that is beyond your control- or because of your personality. It is a difficult one to choose from. Is it better to lay the blame at your fate knowing that there is nothing you can do to change it, therefore no hope, yet it is not personal. But if the problem is with your character and traits then there is a faint hope, because you can change or adapt your ways although I think it hurts more.
I don’t know Dunia, there are times when I think of my disability as not part of who I am, it is like an added feature that you carry yet it is impersonal, then there are other times where I strongly feel that disability has shaped who I have become and I doubt any person living with disability can claim otherwise. Humans are taught by experiences, so surly seeing and living this world as a disabled will affect aspects of your character.
All this debating has not solved my puzzle or answered my question why did he vanish suddenly? Without a warning or an explanation or even a sign. I have never given up on things that matter to me without a fight and I intend to discover why, even if the answer could hurt me beyond repair.